By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
