There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
