Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
