I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
