Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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