Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
