Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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