if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
