So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
