come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize