False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
