ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
