I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
