good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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