You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
