i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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