Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize