I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
