I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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