if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
