I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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