Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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