Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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