This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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