Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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