I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
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