Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
