i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
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