Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
