sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
