I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize