I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
