he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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