So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
