Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
