4 words: hood of his car
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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