What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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