He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
