I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
