Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
