Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Randomize
