I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
