Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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