Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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