yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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