His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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