tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
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