I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
