First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
So gin and wine won't be happening again
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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