My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
