And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
