So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
