Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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