Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Are we still banned from the library?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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