he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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