I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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