Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
