How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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