It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
We left an ass print on the piano.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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