that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
