Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
