She went from zero to smokin in five shots
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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