the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize